By Mary Asujo
Joseph Mutwe is married with three children. When he married Anna four years ago, she seemed a good woman. They met at Watoto Church through a friend. During the dating period, she was nice and warm; soon she started moving out without informing him. She never attends to the kids or even helps the house help with house chores. During dinner time, she serves the maid leftovers and when Joseph complains, she accuses him of choosing him over her. Ten years down the road, things are getting worse every day.
There are several people experiencing marital problems and don’t know where to go. According to Patience Mugabi a marriage from Entebbe says that couples have challenges and many of them have nowhere to run. For many, they just grab their belongings and walk out.
Running away from your problems will never save you as they will continue haunting you because you have to look for solutions yourself because nobody will sort the mess for you.
Mugabi advises that once you begin to see issues with your spouse instead of seeking many opinions from people, sit together as two people. Look at your spouse as a friend.
Jane Auma a mother of one has been married for more than ten years and is still counting. She says that when she had just moved in with her husband, things seemed strange. “I would return from work, only to find his socks and shoes not in the corner I had prepared. Not once or twice, I got pissed to a point of ignoring him,” says Auma.
Respect him or her.
Mugabi says above all, respect is key and will conquer everything. There is no marriage that will flourish when there is no respect. This means that whether you have more money than your husband; remember he is the head of the family and as a woman; you need to execute your duty as a wifeAre you struggling in your relationship and are lost. Staying in love and how to stay in love can both be tricky. It’s a surprise several people don’t understand.
There is no magic on how to make love last, one scholar James John says in his book says every couple has different requirements regarding space, but it’s undeniably important for everyone. Being able to spend time with yourself is a form of self-love and does not mean you love your partner any less. It’s also not a selfish thing to do.
“Prior to this, you had your ideas and goals and so did your partner. It’s goals, and so does your partner. It’s important to be an individual still when you can. This will also allow you to miss your partner and recharge to strengthen the relationship.”
Time alone could also mean carving out quality time for friends and family. Whatever it is, communicate your needs and be clear about your expectations. Remember, relationships are about two whole people coming together. Spending time alone is one way to feed your soul, pour into your cup, and show up to your relationship whole.
Have monthly check-Ins
Imagining that all is rosy in your relationship is a way to allow small things to become big. Check yourself on a monthly basis. “Monthly check-ins is important because you are not allowing months or years to pass and your partner is not aware of your feeling,” says Patricia. It could be simply sitting down over coffee and discuss.
Having these conversations often can help you build intimate and also a form of quality time. “As an author, I have that promoting honest communication improves vulnerability, honesty and personal development. Couples that feel contented opening up to their partner have more fulfilling relationship,” says James.
The love language conversation is no longer new, but it’s still relevant. Loving your spouse in their language is one way to keep the relationship glowing. Be conscious in 2023. For anyone unfamiliar with the five love languages or who needs refresher, they include enough time, physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts and acts of service.
“You may hold his hands as a sign of love. You may hug for five seconds, rubbing your hands through your partner’s hair during tv time is also productive.”
Talk to a friend or counselor
Joel Mpanga a lawyer says that it’s normal for a couple to disagree with each other. The best option is talk about the issues instead of keeping for another day.
“One challenge that has left many marriages in shambles is couples failing to talk about their problems and finding solutions. For some, they may decide to sacrifice their happiness because of pride,” adds Mpanga.
Offer mental health support
It’s never our job to heal our partners, but we should offer support. Our mental health in fluctuates throughout our lives, meaning you may see your partner at both ends of the of spectrum.
Have a vulnerable conversation about how your mental health has fared this year and what you would like to work on individually in 2023. As your partner how you can support them and likewise them how you would like to be supported. For instance, if you struggled with anxiety this year, you may want to be more aware of your triggers and work on minimizing them next year. Your partner could support you by avoiding behaviors that elucidate your anxiety or trigger you. An example of a trigger you can communicate is, ‘I noticed that when you’re distant with me after a disagreement, it triggers my anxiety.’ An example of the support you could ask your partner for if you struggle with anxiety is meditating or breathing with you when you are on edge.
Fight in a respectful way
Hitting heads with your partner is normal; some would argue it’s healthy. Joseph says oftentimes, couples see their partner as the problem instead of seeing the problem as the issue.
Many people have walked away from relationships as a result of not knowing how to fight rationally. Assess how you and your spouse have handled conflicts or fights this year. What did you did well, and what needs to be done. Remember, fighting fair is about adopting a problem-solving mindset together and collaborating with your partner, says Joseph.
Conflicts will happen at any time; it’s part of life, but knowing how to be respectful and understanding your partner is your teammate.