By Mary Asujo
We have been married for 10 years now. We have three lovely children. I have been a very supportive husband all through because my wife does not have a job. Our children go to one of the best schools in two and we are residents in a very good neighborhood. My wife has tried applying for different jobs some successful and others not. I used to work upcountry but made sure that on weekends am home with my family something that with time, my wife could hardly notice. She got one or two jobs but lost it due to her attitude and I tried establishing various businesses for her buy sadly, all collapsed without a trace.
Life went on like that until recently when I was transferred in Kampala. Little did I know that on top of me giving her allowance of Shs 200,000 per month, she seemed not contented. I would return home from work to the happiness of the kids and with time I started noticing her change in behavior coupled with disrespect. She could pick calls away from me and sometimes asked for permission to go for fellowships which I obliged. This conduct soon changed my feelings from her to the kids and this made her angrier and She began to compete with the kids. To cut the story short, I found out she’s expecting and when I confronted her at first she denied but you could read the lies in her eyes because around that time, I had given her space.
Dorothy Bahati, a marriage counsellor in Rubaga, says that such acts are common in marriages. There are many men in similar situations and she advises that if such happens to you, don’t rush; take your time and read between the lines. In many cases, guilt can push such a woman to commit suicide and therefore you need to handle it such a situation with care.
The first thing to do is to have a one-on-one talk with her on the way forward. The channel for communication should be open so as to avoid any uncalled for conduct. Listening to each other will help you appreciate the situation and find amicable solutions. And when this fails, you have to involve a third party -either parents from both sides or immediate relatives.
Seek help from a counsellor or an elder from Church:
Many people tend to have this problem and don’t know where to run for help. Don’t be deceived into confiding in friends because the challenges we face in marriage are unique and need the help of either a counsellor or an elder as they will give audience to both of you before making final decision. It’s very rare that these two will fail to resolve the problem because in many cases, they tend to bridge the gap and achieve reconciliation after getting consent from the couples.
Mary Musiime, a mother of two and a businesswoman in town, says that this kind of problem may hail from families where the mum is not contented and is surrounded by friends with bad influence.
“You need to understand that we all have friends but remember marriage is a different institution that if your friends are not married, they will not be of help especially if your marriage is on rocks. They will advise you to hook a pain killer and before you realize it, your marriage is no more. You instead need help from those who are married,” Musiime says.
Don’t jump to conclusions:
Jack Mutebi, a married man with two children, cautions couples against blaming each other before listening to one another. A mistake has happened -yes; your wife is carrying another man’s child. You need to still treat her as your wife because mistakes are human. However, infidelity is too huge and it’s something that a man cannot handle solely because; believe me, it’s too painful to imagine your woman sleeping with another man. No man can stand that pain.
Bahati advises men with such experiences that not all hope is lost. Life is full of surprises and this can happen to anyone because at the end of the day, you don’t have control over your spouse’s decision. There are several men in such situations but because people rarely talk about infidelity issues involving their partners since they consider it an embarrassment.
In conclusion therefore, go about your day-to-day life and don’t let this scenario ruin the best of your potential. Have fun with fellow men and try as much as possible to relax and forget about the ugly fortune.
Here are tips on how to cope with a cheating spouse;
Accept your feelings
Shock, agitation, fear, pain and confusion are normal. You will likely feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster for a while. It takes time to get beyond the pain of having an unfaithful mate. Don’t expect the mixture of feelings and the mistrust to vanish away, even if you are trying to forgive your partner and repair your marriage.
Don’t seek revenge
Being betrayed by your partner can induce rage. In your furious state, your first instinct may be to punish your mate by tras-talking him to friends or think about having an affair yourself so as to get even. You may achieve a temporary sense of satisfaction from these sorts of actions, but they can work against you. Instead, focus on healing and moving on alone.
Try to take care of yourself
You may have some physical reactions due to stress such as nausea, diarrhea, sleep problems, shakiness or overeating.
Once the initial shock has passed, try your best healthy foods, stay on a schedule, sleep regular hours and get regular exercise and yes, have some fun.
Avoid blame game
Blaming yourself, your partner or the third party won’t change anything but just a waste of energy. Try not to play the victim, either if you can help it, or to wallow in self-pity.
Seek counselling
Don’t try get through with unfaithfulness alone. Before you make any decisions about whether or not to end the marriage, it’s wise to talk to a couple’s counsellor and you could ask your partner to make some clarity on the reason for their cheating. Remember not to lose your temper; just remain calm and listen.
Get practical
If you suspect that the affair will most likely lead to the end of your marriage, give some thought to practical matters like where you will live and plans for the kids or possibly, you could consider asking her to go for HIV test if you intend to make up. The decision you make is entirely up to you. For some, you may think of other plans but don’t rush; move on step at a time so that you don’t crush.